I am so full between 5:30 a.m. and 1 a.m. every day that I've forgotten

what race it was I was running

and all I can remember

is to keep it sweet keep it light keep it cool keep it kind keep it positive

keep it together just keep it together just keep it together

Sometimes I think that I might run off with a fantasy and then I get smacked over the head on the couch

late at night with TheUsualSuspects and how perfect things are

as they are.

So there.

...I am towering and comfortable in myself.

And others, my fingernails are uneven and worn down, my shins bruised, my hair unruly, and my pants are worn and baggy.

Same old, same old. Same old story, same old post about that changing in a matter of seconds.

If this is anything, it is the Semester When Compassion Finally Returned.

It is the Beginning Adult semester.

Because those 180 degree moments are immediately followed by

get over yourself

And then I do. And for the first time, no counting, no distractions, I'm content to just lie around on the couch and talk about whatever falls out.

"You have very beautiful hair," he said. And of all the words used to describe it, beautiful never made the cut. Exotic, wild, unusual, sexy, sometimes. Even the middle-aged women, who all love it, could only muster a "do you dye your hair?" followed then by some sort of awe, surprise, and with a few drops of horror, possibly.

oh get over yourself

I thought. Because it was messy and tangled. And if I have found anything anywhere, it is that the unconventional will always get you remembered, sometimes admired, but most people still prefer the stick-straight posturing when it is all said and done with.

And of course, there's me. With my creaky floors and pants that won't stay up and hair that won't stay down, a little too muscular and a little too tall to be hide-under-the-bonnet girly, and a mouth that won't shut up when it's comfortable.

And I don't plan on changing my life, though my shins are perpetually bruised and I'll never have fingernails.

And he's okay with that, I think.

And I'm okay with that, finally.

And I think I'll choose my summer based on family, not impressiveness. Pennsylvania, not Alaska.

And this all makes me feel incredibly old.

Basically, I'm ridiculously happy.

The new theater a block away from my apartment and opened yesterday and I went to see the crazy Bob Dylan movie it was beautiful. And I got three hours of sleep. And morning came.

...

Also, there are now three newspapers vying for my summer attention.

Hehehehehe.

...

(Deleted)

I'm in a 5 hour sleep schedule.

Went to bed at 11:30 last night, woke a little after 5 and couldn't sleep.

I said I didn't have time for ASomeone, and I didn't. Hence the lack of sleep. But, I seem to be doing okay, as long as I eat well and get in exercise.

-------

I find myself laughing quietly through my sleep on many nights. Laughter at how good this life is and how crazy it is that I found myself way out here, that my face seems to be settling on a shape, and that once again I'm growing my hair out again.

Yesterday was a 2-hours-each-way road trip to St. Louis to see a man speak who has written many, many, many of those educational economic policy papers I read. He spoke for about an hour and a half. Knowing that, I got into the car. But somehow it struck me on the BeautifulCatholicCampus that this was silly and who was I fooling.

Who am I fooling?

"Who am I fooling," i asked BoyWonder, half an hour before the lecture began.

"Something something character building, initiative, interest... what's wrong with being interested?" he said.

And I was interested. And it was interesting. And, starving afterwards (I've been conditioned to journalistically refuse free food), I embarked on a search for a Panera.

And instead stumbled on a beautiful-one-of-a-kind delicious pastry/food shop where the bread is made there, the pillows spell out a sentence about the importance of dining companions, and the soup of the day was a squash-bean chili.

The law student in his argyle made a study move for me in my "professional" pearls and button-down, the and cook had a grill that would put nelly's to shame and I munched the best cornbread I had ever had while thinking...

...how silly and picturesque this life is and what do i have to ever question this if i am smiling all the time...

...caught myself smiling and smiling at TattooedEngineer's apartment, because everything is kind and wonderful and somehow I ended up there — kind and wonderful — without thinking of it or how to get there...

...and all through this yellowness, and as a result of it, i impishly light fires underneath my competitors and watch them scurry, walk with my head high, because all the kindling i need is quality, thought and considerate compassion and at the end of the night, it's just me happy underneath the covers...

...and if this is all what i'm looking for then i know how to keep it here flickering with me.